Darrell Sifford on Wisdom
Feb. 8th, 2009 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tagrynThese are three of my favorite Darrell Sifford articles, on the topic of what one learns as one gets older:
LOOKING BACK ON OUR YOUTH
DATE Sunday, January 25, 1987
PUBLICATION PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER
PAGE K01
BYLINE By Darrell Sifford
Well, here you are - in midlife or wherever - and, as you look back,
do you realize how little you knew in the bloom of youth, even though you
thought you knew it all?
Do you ever wish that you could go back to those early years and do it all
over again - knowing what you now know?
That's not possible, of course. But what may be possible - and what I had
the opportunity to do not long ago - is to appear before an audience of high
school juniors and seniors and talk to them about "what I wish somebody had
told me when I was 17 or 18."
What would you say to students? In 45 minutes, what would you single out as
the most important things for them to take away from the meeting?
Let me share with you some of what I talked about
* The world is not always fair. As adults, some of us know this, but, as
adolescents, most of us didn't. We had the sense that good input always
resulted in good outcome, that if we did our part, the result would be in
line with what we expected. It would be nice if things worked this way, but
they don't. The world can be - and often is - a friendly place in which we can
prosper, but, at times, it can be hostile and unfair. People who expect this
and who aren't disabled when adversity strikes them for no reason are way
ahead of everybody else. Bad things do happen to good people, and,
occasionally, nothing makes sense.
* Parenting is a tough job - maybe the toughest - and it's helpful to
realize sooner than later that parents, for all their flaws, probably are
doing the best they can. Try to share with your parents, even if they don't
share back with you. Tell them you love them and show them you love them, even
if they aren't comfortable reciprocating. Question your parents. When it's
appropriate, challenge them. But don't grind them down. Don't polish their
guilt. Most parents, I'm convinced, feel guilty to some extent about not doing
more or doing better for their children.
* It's important to find mentors at various stages throughout life. Latch
onto somebody who is older and wiser, and let that person guide you around the
potholes. What's in it for the mentor? A feeling of satisfaction in helping
somebody. Remember that the mentor gets something out of it, too - so don't be
afraid of trying to recruit a mentor.
* We need goals throughout life and plans for pursuing our goals. Goals
ever stop changing, if we're lucky. We accomplish one goal, and then we move
on to the next. Don't ever be without goals, short-range and long-range. They
are the fuel that keeps us going.
* We need relationships. Bar bra Streisand says it all in the song "People
who need people are the luckiest people in the world." In the final analysis,
the relationships that we nurture with the few core people in our lives are
the most precious things we have. Don't ever get too busy to take time to care
and feed relationships with people who matter.
* Our bodies are marvelous works of nature, but it's our responsibility to
care for them. It's important to get adequate rest, to eat reasonably, to act
in moderation. The patterns we set in childhood often are the patterns we
carry into adulthood, so take a look at what you're doing now - and modify it
if that's called for.
* It's a serious world much of the time, but don't be afraid to have fun -
and don't ever feel guilty about having fun. The psychologist Arnold Lazarus,
on hearing of the death of a friend, always says the same thing "I hope he
had enough fun." He doesn't say that he hopes the person had enough money, a
big-enough title, an office with enough windows. But enough fun. How much is
enough? Only you can decide how much is enough for you. Fun doesn't come at
the expense of reasonable responsibility. It comes at the expense of excessive
seriousness.
* What you think about yourself is far more important than what others
think about you. If you remember this, you'll never feel the need to live your
life in ways that you think will win approval from others. You can live your
life in a way that makes sense to you, that meets your needs and goals. It's
said that life is not for amateurs, and I believe that. Amateurs are those of
us who let others tell us how to run our lives.
* People will disappoint you at times and fall short of your expectations.
If you always expect perfection or even reasonable behavior, you're going to
find yourself in a blue funk much of the time. But if you accept that others,
just like you, sometimes shoot themselves in the foot, you'll consume less
Maalox and sleep more soundly.
* You can't control anybody else, but you can control how you react to
other people. It's a waste of time and energy to try to change another person.
Use that same time and energy to work on yourself - and you'll find that life
is a lot sweeter for everybody. This is true now and forevermore.
* You alone can define what success means to you. Don't let anybody else
try to define success for you. This was what John Ehrlichman told me was the
most important thing he learned from his Watergate experience. His sin, he
said, was letting others sell him their value systems. How do I now define
success? The achievement of a life that contains a balance of love, work and
play. That's a far different definition than I might have offered 20 years
ago, when the focus solely was on work.
* There's no need to be in any hurry to get married. It's wise to get your
life somewhat in place before you complicate it by incorporating with another
person. Marriages that come later seem to prosper more than marriages that
come sooner.
* People are more alike than they are different. You're probably more
typical than you think you are - so when you feel like an outsider who is
staring in through the window, remember that a lot of other people feel that
way, too. You're probably not odd or weird, just typical.
* If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. It's a tremendous burden
to go through life with the feeling that you have to do it all by yourself.
There's some virtue, as Frank Sinatra sings, in doing it your way, but doing
it your way doesn't mean that you can't find a firm shoulder to lean on at
times. The strongest people, in my opinion, are those who know when to ask for
help.
Well, that's what I said to the students. How about you?
Copyright 1996 Philadelphia Newspapers Incorporated.
---
READERS SHARE WORDS OF ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG
DATE Thursday, March 12, 1987
PUBLICATION PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER
PAGE C04
BYLINE By Darrell Sifford
In a recent column I discussed some of the things that I told high
school students in a speech - things that I wished somebody had told me when I
was 17 or 18.
I had talked about the reality that the world is not always fair, that
parenting is a very tough job, that it's important to seek out mentors, that
having fun is something that we never should outgrow our need for, that each
of us should define success on our own terms, that what we think about
ourselves is far more important than what others think of us, that we should
cherish and nurture the few really significant relationships that we will
have in a lifetime.
There was more - quite a lot more - and at the end of the column I asked
readers what messages they would bring if they had a forum for speaking to
young people. The volume of the response surprised me, and so did the
content, which ranged from a request to reprint the column in a religious
publication to a charge that I was setting up young people for a lifetime of
disillusionment, because I hadn't urged them to get close to God.
Here are parts of some of the letters that I received
*
"What you said to those students was on target, but you left out one very
important thing - the need to be flexible enough to relate to other people,
even those you don't much like, and at times to do things their way. . . .
You made the journey through life sound like a solo trip. Yes, it's important
to think highly of ourselves so that we don't live our lives primarily to
please others, but, let's face it, there are times when we do have to please
others. . . . The world requires compromise, and what separates winners from
losers, in my judgment, is the ability to bend at the right times."
*
"Your advice to young people was excellent, but there is one thing I would
add to it - develop a belief in a diety. There are times in one's life when a
belief in God is all you have and the only help you will have to see you
through a problem. . . . I don't mean the run-to-church demonstrative belief.
I mean the inner peace that lets you know you will survive, no matter what the
situation. Sometimes that survival means accepting a loss of a loved one, but
the belief in God allows you to accept what otherwise might destroy you."
*
"I'm celebrating my 73d birthday in a few weeks, so, as you might imagine,
I've been around, seen life, done some things. The only part of your message
that I might quarrel with is the part about not being in a hurry to get
married. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to get married early. It's not
age that matters; it's maturity. I was 17 when I married the young man who
would be my partner 51 years. It was a good marriage - because we both were
mature enough, despite our youth, to make it work."
*
"I hope those students heed your advice. Life needs a balance of work,
play, family and friends. Too many people think money and financial security
are everything - until they have money and financial security. Then they
discover that there's more, that happiness and peace of mind are necessary in
life before monetary goals."
*
"I kept reading and hoping that you would speak on the spiritual dimension
of life, but, as usual, I was disappointed with you. . . . The only time you
ever write about religion is when you interview somebody who has something
bad to say about it. . . . My religion is the most important part of my life,
and I can't understand how anybody can discuss life with young people without
bringing out the need for a relationship with God."
*
"The kind of advice you are handing out to youngsters would be fine if they
could be made to listen to it. But we both know that the world doesn't work
that way. The kids who do listen don't need the advice to begin with. Those
who need it won't listen. . . . What are parents to do? I have talked with
some pretty successful people - ministers, lawyers, teachers - who have worked
very hard to get where they are in life. Without exception, they feel
helpless in dealing with their children. . . . You were right about one
thing Parenting is a difficult job."
*
"I'm 72 and finally have adjusted to the role of being an observer of and
reactor to, rather than an active participant in, what goes on in this world
of ours. The new role certainly has brought changes in my perception,
perspective and state of mind. . . . My impression is that young people would
help themselves by absorbing and following your suggestions. But, as I recall,
children at 15 or 16 aren't always properly tuned to really receiving such
well-meant, constructive thoughts."
*
"I am 15 years old, and I cut out your column, asked my parents to read it
and then discuss it with me. It created a marvelous discussion, one of the
best we've ever had. My mother and father talked, for the first time, about
the difficulties of parenting me and my brother, and I think I now understand
some of what they have gone through during our hard times. . . . I believe
that we have opened the door to many more such discussions, which, I hope,
will be equally productive."
*
"I have three fine grandchildren, and I often tell them that the road they
travel is theirs and they should make the most they can out of it. Your column
contained a lot of what I try to help them understand. I don't try to live
their lives for them, but I do think it's the responsibility of adults who
love children to share as much wisdom as they can."
*
"As the father of three teenagers, I would add only one thing Yes, the
world sometimes is unfair, but we still must expect the best from people. We
must be trusting and loving. Otherwise, we face the world in a defensive
posture, and that's a terrible way to go through life."
Copyright 1996 Philadelphia Newspapers Incorporated.
---
AT 55, LOOKING BACK ON WHAT ONE DOESN'T KNOW AT 30
DATE Monday, May 4, 1987
PUBLICATION PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER
BYLINE By Darrell Sifford
A while back, I wrote a column based on a speech that I had made to
high school seniors about the things that I wished somebody had told me
when I was 17 years old.
Many of the things I mentioned - the world is not always fair, parenting is
the toughest of all jobs, it's important to find mentors at various stages in
life - are things that all adults are supposed to know. Certainly they're
things that I knew when I was 30 and thought that I knew pretty much about
everything.
But I'm not 30 anymore. I'm 55, and almost daily I realize how much I
didn't know when I was 30 - and how much I still have to learn.
What are some of the things I now know that I didn't know at 30? There are
many, but here are the ones that I consider most important
* Be yourself. Bill Case, in his book Life Begins at 60, writes that
Winston Churchill always is cited as an example of somebody who came about as
close to self-actualization as possible. He painted, wrote, planted flowers,
laid bricks, ran a government, functioned effectively as a husband and father.
When Churchill is mentioned, Case told me in an interview, somebody always
says, "Oh, if I had Churchill's name, education, family connections, wealth,
luck, I could be that great, too." The trick, said Case, is to realize that
on Judgment Day, God isn't going to ask why you weren't Winston Churchill. God
is going to ask why you weren't yourself, why you didn't make the most of
your abilities. Lesson Learning to appreciate yourself is quite possibly the
greatest gift of all.
* Dare to try new things. It's called lobstering, shedding your shell so
that you can grow by venturing into the unknown, by stretching yourself, by
testing your limits. At 30, I didn't know what it meant to lobster, because I
was saying that by 40 I wanted to be in my final job, the job that I'd have
for the rest of my working life. Today, that seems like a death sentence
because I never expect to be in my final job - since the context of what I do
and what I am interested in always will be changing. To lobster is to retain
passion, to have a reason to jump out of bed and do your exercises, to be
ready to take on the world - again and again.
* Have fun. We knew how when we were little, but there's something about
growing up that leaches it out of us. As adults, we're supposed to be serious
- almost to the point of being grim. We need to reclaim the little child who
lies somewhere within us - the little child never leaves us - and give
ourselves permission to have fun again. We need to ask two questions What is
fun for me? Why don't I do more of it?
* Cultivate an awareness of the beauty that's all around us. Not long ago,
a friend, psychologist Phil Bobrove, asked me to wander around with him for a
day in the New Jersey pine barrens. It was absolutely spectacular - and
absolutely foreign to me, because when you live on the 37th floor in the
middle of the city, as I do, you tend to forget about peace, tranquillity,
nature's rhythm. Phil and I waded in a cranberry bog, sat on a river bank,
ate tuna sandwiches and drank white Zinfandel, talked about what's important -
and what only seems important. I thought about that day when I was painting
terrace furniture at the beach place in Delaware. I don't like to paint, but
my awareness of the sun's warmth and the crashing of the waves blotted out
everything else. I found myself thinking how lucky I was to be there, at that
moment, with a paintbrush in my hand. Crazy? At 30, I would have thought so.
* Define success for yourself. Don't let anybody else sell you a definition
of success. If you do, it won't mean anything to you in the long run, and the
emptiness you'll eventually feel will eat a hole in your soul. What does
success mean to you? Answer the question, then ask your spouse and children
what success means to them. You may be surprised at the differences. For you,
it may mean a six-figure income and 12 windows in the corner office. For your
spouse, it may mean more time together as a family. For your child, it may
mean somebody to come to Little League games or the class play. It's important
that people who matter to each other be in sync on what success looks like.
At 30, I would have thought that this sounded wimpy, but today it seems like
the ultimate expression of love.
* Give yourself some strokes. It's important, because if you don't, who
will? Nobody. We need to stroke ourselves for what we do well with at least as
much regularity as we flail ourselves for what we mess up. It's a classic way
in which we can nurture ourselves, be good to ourselves - in addition to
slowing down long enough for a second cup of coffee on a frantic morning, to
taking time for a walk on a warm spring day, to writing a letter to a friend
with whom we've lost touch.
* Strive for balance. Let work be one of many important things in life -
and make it a point to have a strong life away from work. Find ways to leave
the office behind. One of my favorite ways is to take home a jammed
briefcase, but ignore it. It reminds me that I'm in control - like a non-
drinking alcoholic who keeps a fully stocked bar in his house but never
touches a drop.
* Pay attention to dreams. They constantly tell us how we're faring in
life. Are you having dreams of destitution? If so, you need to find out what's
wrong and try to fix it. Or are you having happy dreams? I love my happy
dreams, and here's a favorite I'm walking stark naked down a street when I
pass a house where a cocktail party is going full blast on the porch. People
fall silent, stare at me. I gaze at my nakedness, smile at the people and
announce, "It's the ultimate in wash and wear." I woke myself up laughing.
Copyright 1996 Philadelphia Newspapers Incorporated.
LOOKING BACK ON OUR YOUTH
DATE Sunday, January 25, 1987
PUBLICATION PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER
PAGE K01
BYLINE By Darrell Sifford
Well, here you are - in midlife or wherever - and, as you look back,
do you realize how little you knew in the bloom of youth, even though you
thought you knew it all?
Do you ever wish that you could go back to those early years and do it all
over again - knowing what you now know?
That's not possible, of course. But what may be possible - and what I had
the opportunity to do not long ago - is to appear before an audience of high
school juniors and seniors and talk to them about "what I wish somebody had
told me when I was 17 or 18."
What would you say to students? In 45 minutes, what would you single out as
the most important things for them to take away from the meeting?
Let me share with you some of what I talked about
* The world is not always fair. As adults, some of us know this, but, as
adolescents, most of us didn't. We had the sense that good input always
resulted in good outcome, that if we did our part, the result would be in
line with what we expected. It would be nice if things worked this way, but
they don't. The world can be - and often is - a friendly place in which we can
prosper, but, at times, it can be hostile and unfair. People who expect this
and who aren't disabled when adversity strikes them for no reason are way
ahead of everybody else. Bad things do happen to good people, and,
occasionally, nothing makes sense.
* Parenting is a tough job - maybe the toughest - and it's helpful to
realize sooner than later that parents, for all their flaws, probably are
doing the best they can. Try to share with your parents, even if they don't
share back with you. Tell them you love them and show them you love them, even
if they aren't comfortable reciprocating. Question your parents. When it's
appropriate, challenge them. But don't grind them down. Don't polish their
guilt. Most parents, I'm convinced, feel guilty to some extent about not doing
more or doing better for their children.
* It's important to find mentors at various stages throughout life. Latch
onto somebody who is older and wiser, and let that person guide you around the
potholes. What's in it for the mentor? A feeling of satisfaction in helping
somebody. Remember that the mentor gets something out of it, too - so don't be
afraid of trying to recruit a mentor.
* We need goals throughout life and plans for pursuing our goals. Goals
ever stop changing, if we're lucky. We accomplish one goal, and then we move
on to the next. Don't ever be without goals, short-range and long-range. They
are the fuel that keeps us going.
* We need relationships. Bar bra Streisand says it all in the song "People
who need people are the luckiest people in the world." In the final analysis,
the relationships that we nurture with the few core people in our lives are
the most precious things we have. Don't ever get too busy to take time to care
and feed relationships with people who matter.
* Our bodies are marvelous works of nature, but it's our responsibility to
care for them. It's important to get adequate rest, to eat reasonably, to act
in moderation. The patterns we set in childhood often are the patterns we
carry into adulthood, so take a look at what you're doing now - and modify it
if that's called for.
* It's a serious world much of the time, but don't be afraid to have fun -
and don't ever feel guilty about having fun. The psychologist Arnold Lazarus,
on hearing of the death of a friend, always says the same thing "I hope he
had enough fun." He doesn't say that he hopes the person had enough money, a
big-enough title, an office with enough windows. But enough fun. How much is
enough? Only you can decide how much is enough for you. Fun doesn't come at
the expense of reasonable responsibility. It comes at the expense of excessive
seriousness.
* What you think about yourself is far more important than what others
think about you. If you remember this, you'll never feel the need to live your
life in ways that you think will win approval from others. You can live your
life in a way that makes sense to you, that meets your needs and goals. It's
said that life is not for amateurs, and I believe that. Amateurs are those of
us who let others tell us how to run our lives.
* People will disappoint you at times and fall short of your expectations.
If you always expect perfection or even reasonable behavior, you're going to
find yourself in a blue funk much of the time. But if you accept that others,
just like you, sometimes shoot themselves in the foot, you'll consume less
Maalox and sleep more soundly.
* You can't control anybody else, but you can control how you react to
other people. It's a waste of time and energy to try to change another person.
Use that same time and energy to work on yourself - and you'll find that life
is a lot sweeter for everybody. This is true now and forevermore.
* You alone can define what success means to you. Don't let anybody else
try to define success for you. This was what John Ehrlichman told me was the
most important thing he learned from his Watergate experience. His sin, he
said, was letting others sell him their value systems. How do I now define
success? The achievement of a life that contains a balance of love, work and
play. That's a far different definition than I might have offered 20 years
ago, when the focus solely was on work.
* There's no need to be in any hurry to get married. It's wise to get your
life somewhat in place before you complicate it by incorporating with another
person. Marriages that come later seem to prosper more than marriages that
come sooner.
* People are more alike than they are different. You're probably more
typical than you think you are - so when you feel like an outsider who is
staring in through the window, remember that a lot of other people feel that
way, too. You're probably not odd or weird, just typical.
* If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. It's a tremendous burden
to go through life with the feeling that you have to do it all by yourself.
There's some virtue, as Frank Sinatra sings, in doing it your way, but doing
it your way doesn't mean that you can't find a firm shoulder to lean on at
times. The strongest people, in my opinion, are those who know when to ask for
help.
Well, that's what I said to the students. How about you?
Copyright 1996 Philadelphia Newspapers Incorporated.
---
READERS SHARE WORDS OF ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG
DATE Thursday, March 12, 1987
PUBLICATION PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER
PAGE C04
BYLINE By Darrell Sifford
In a recent column I discussed some of the things that I told high
school students in a speech - things that I wished somebody had told me when I
was 17 or 18.
I had talked about the reality that the world is not always fair, that
parenting is a very tough job, that it's important to seek out mentors, that
having fun is something that we never should outgrow our need for, that each
of us should define success on our own terms, that what we think about
ourselves is far more important than what others think of us, that we should
cherish and nurture the few really significant relationships that we will
have in a lifetime.
There was more - quite a lot more - and at the end of the column I asked
readers what messages they would bring if they had a forum for speaking to
young people. The volume of the response surprised me, and so did the
content, which ranged from a request to reprint the column in a religious
publication to a charge that I was setting up young people for a lifetime of
disillusionment, because I hadn't urged them to get close to God.
Here are parts of some of the letters that I received
*
"What you said to those students was on target, but you left out one very
important thing - the need to be flexible enough to relate to other people,
even those you don't much like, and at times to do things their way. . . .
You made the journey through life sound like a solo trip. Yes, it's important
to think highly of ourselves so that we don't live our lives primarily to
please others, but, let's face it, there are times when we do have to please
others. . . . The world requires compromise, and what separates winners from
losers, in my judgment, is the ability to bend at the right times."
*
"Your advice to young people was excellent, but there is one thing I would
add to it - develop a belief in a diety. There are times in one's life when a
belief in God is all you have and the only help you will have to see you
through a problem. . . . I don't mean the run-to-church demonstrative belief.
I mean the inner peace that lets you know you will survive, no matter what the
situation. Sometimes that survival means accepting a loss of a loved one, but
the belief in God allows you to accept what otherwise might destroy you."
*
"I'm celebrating my 73d birthday in a few weeks, so, as you might imagine,
I've been around, seen life, done some things. The only part of your message
that I might quarrel with is the part about not being in a hurry to get
married. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to get married early. It's not
age that matters; it's maturity. I was 17 when I married the young man who
would be my partner 51 years. It was a good marriage - because we both were
mature enough, despite our youth, to make it work."
*
"I hope those students heed your advice. Life needs a balance of work,
play, family and friends. Too many people think money and financial security
are everything - until they have money and financial security. Then they
discover that there's more, that happiness and peace of mind are necessary in
life before monetary goals."
*
"I kept reading and hoping that you would speak on the spiritual dimension
of life, but, as usual, I was disappointed with you. . . . The only time you
ever write about religion is when you interview somebody who has something
bad to say about it. . . . My religion is the most important part of my life,
and I can't understand how anybody can discuss life with young people without
bringing out the need for a relationship with God."
*
"The kind of advice you are handing out to youngsters would be fine if they
could be made to listen to it. But we both know that the world doesn't work
that way. The kids who do listen don't need the advice to begin with. Those
who need it won't listen. . . . What are parents to do? I have talked with
some pretty successful people - ministers, lawyers, teachers - who have worked
very hard to get where they are in life. Without exception, they feel
helpless in dealing with their children. . . . You were right about one
thing Parenting is a difficult job."
*
"I'm 72 and finally have adjusted to the role of being an observer of and
reactor to, rather than an active participant in, what goes on in this world
of ours. The new role certainly has brought changes in my perception,
perspective and state of mind. . . . My impression is that young people would
help themselves by absorbing and following your suggestions. But, as I recall,
children at 15 or 16 aren't always properly tuned to really receiving such
well-meant, constructive thoughts."
*
"I am 15 years old, and I cut out your column, asked my parents to read it
and then discuss it with me. It created a marvelous discussion, one of the
best we've ever had. My mother and father talked, for the first time, about
the difficulties of parenting me and my brother, and I think I now understand
some of what they have gone through during our hard times. . . . I believe
that we have opened the door to many more such discussions, which, I hope,
will be equally productive."
*
"I have three fine grandchildren, and I often tell them that the road they
travel is theirs and they should make the most they can out of it. Your column
contained a lot of what I try to help them understand. I don't try to live
their lives for them, but I do think it's the responsibility of adults who
love children to share as much wisdom as they can."
*
"As the father of three teenagers, I would add only one thing Yes, the
world sometimes is unfair, but we still must expect the best from people. We
must be trusting and loving. Otherwise, we face the world in a defensive
posture, and that's a terrible way to go through life."
Copyright 1996 Philadelphia Newspapers Incorporated.
---
AT 55, LOOKING BACK ON WHAT ONE DOESN'T KNOW AT 30
DATE Monday, May 4, 1987
PUBLICATION PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER
BYLINE By Darrell Sifford
A while back, I wrote a column based on a speech that I had made to
high school seniors about the things that I wished somebody had told me
when I was 17 years old.
Many of the things I mentioned - the world is not always fair, parenting is
the toughest of all jobs, it's important to find mentors at various stages in
life - are things that all adults are supposed to know. Certainly they're
things that I knew when I was 30 and thought that I knew pretty much about
everything.
But I'm not 30 anymore. I'm 55, and almost daily I realize how much I
didn't know when I was 30 - and how much I still have to learn.
What are some of the things I now know that I didn't know at 30? There are
many, but here are the ones that I consider most important
* Be yourself. Bill Case, in his book Life Begins at 60, writes that
Winston Churchill always is cited as an example of somebody who came about as
close to self-actualization as possible. He painted, wrote, planted flowers,
laid bricks, ran a government, functioned effectively as a husband and father.
When Churchill is mentioned, Case told me in an interview, somebody always
says, "Oh, if I had Churchill's name, education, family connections, wealth,
luck, I could be that great, too." The trick, said Case, is to realize that
on Judgment Day, God isn't going to ask why you weren't Winston Churchill. God
is going to ask why you weren't yourself, why you didn't make the most of
your abilities. Lesson Learning to appreciate yourself is quite possibly the
greatest gift of all.
* Dare to try new things. It's called lobstering, shedding your shell so
that you can grow by venturing into the unknown, by stretching yourself, by
testing your limits. At 30, I didn't know what it meant to lobster, because I
was saying that by 40 I wanted to be in my final job, the job that I'd have
for the rest of my working life. Today, that seems like a death sentence
because I never expect to be in my final job - since the context of what I do
and what I am interested in always will be changing. To lobster is to retain
passion, to have a reason to jump out of bed and do your exercises, to be
ready to take on the world - again and again.
* Have fun. We knew how when we were little, but there's something about
growing up that leaches it out of us. As adults, we're supposed to be serious
- almost to the point of being grim. We need to reclaim the little child who
lies somewhere within us - the little child never leaves us - and give
ourselves permission to have fun again. We need to ask two questions What is
fun for me? Why don't I do more of it?
* Cultivate an awareness of the beauty that's all around us. Not long ago,
a friend, psychologist Phil Bobrove, asked me to wander around with him for a
day in the New Jersey pine barrens. It was absolutely spectacular - and
absolutely foreign to me, because when you live on the 37th floor in the
middle of the city, as I do, you tend to forget about peace, tranquillity,
nature's rhythm. Phil and I waded in a cranberry bog, sat on a river bank,
ate tuna sandwiches and drank white Zinfandel, talked about what's important -
and what only seems important. I thought about that day when I was painting
terrace furniture at the beach place in Delaware. I don't like to paint, but
my awareness of the sun's warmth and the crashing of the waves blotted out
everything else. I found myself thinking how lucky I was to be there, at that
moment, with a paintbrush in my hand. Crazy? At 30, I would have thought so.
* Define success for yourself. Don't let anybody else sell you a definition
of success. If you do, it won't mean anything to you in the long run, and the
emptiness you'll eventually feel will eat a hole in your soul. What does
success mean to you? Answer the question, then ask your spouse and children
what success means to them. You may be surprised at the differences. For you,
it may mean a six-figure income and 12 windows in the corner office. For your
spouse, it may mean more time together as a family. For your child, it may
mean somebody to come to Little League games or the class play. It's important
that people who matter to each other be in sync on what success looks like.
At 30, I would have thought that this sounded wimpy, but today it seems like
the ultimate expression of love.
* Give yourself some strokes. It's important, because if you don't, who
will? Nobody. We need to stroke ourselves for what we do well with at least as
much regularity as we flail ourselves for what we mess up. It's a classic way
in which we can nurture ourselves, be good to ourselves - in addition to
slowing down long enough for a second cup of coffee on a frantic morning, to
taking time for a walk on a warm spring day, to writing a letter to a friend
with whom we've lost touch.
* Strive for balance. Let work be one of many important things in life -
and make it a point to have a strong life away from work. Find ways to leave
the office behind. One of my favorite ways is to take home a jammed
briefcase, but ignore it. It reminds me that I'm in control - like a non-
drinking alcoholic who keeps a fully stocked bar in his house but never
touches a drop.
* Pay attention to dreams. They constantly tell us how we're faring in
life. Are you having dreams of destitution? If so, you need to find out what's
wrong and try to fix it. Or are you having happy dreams? I love my happy
dreams, and here's a favorite I'm walking stark naked down a street when I
pass a house where a cocktail party is going full blast on the porch. People
fall silent, stare at me. I gaze at my nakedness, smile at the people and
announce, "It's the ultimate in wash and wear." I woke myself up laughing.
Copyright 1996 Philadelphia Newspapers Incorporated.
